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The Heroine’s Menopausal Journey

Menopause is tough. There is no question at all: it’s a statement of fact. It’s tough physically, mentally and even spiritually. And it’s something that I’m going through right now.

Back in full lockdown of 2020, I had to have a hysterectomy. I was left with one ovary, which stopped working about a year later. In my family, menopause happens early anyway, and so I had already been perimenopausal for some years before. Since 2022, I have been going through full menopause, with all its symptoms and challenges. I joined an online community called HysterSisters on the advice of a friend who had already gone through this, and which gave me the information I needed pre and post surgery. Stuff that the doctors and nurses don’t tell you, stuff that only now is actually being talked about openly. In fact, my own GP in my little cluster of villages has now been giving menopause clinics online for the very first time, open to women and men and anyone interested in learning more. But it’s still something that affects everyone differently, much like the huge hormonal shift in adolescence, only now you’ve got a lifetime of experience, pain, trauma and joy to deal with on top of it all.

The physical symptoms can be hard to deal with. The hot flushes are exhausting, to say the least. Imagine being as hot as you’ve ever been, sweating all over your body while doing nothing but sitting at you keyboard. You feel the heat rising from your heart to your head, and then down all over your body in a fiery wave of energy. If you’re lucky, it’s a short one that only lasts for a minute or two, and you may not have to change your clothes. If it’s a bigger one, you’ll soak your clothing and either have to deal with the discomfort of being in sweaty clothes and the possible smell that will follow, or bring a change of clothing with you wherever you go. Either way, once the heat has passed you are left with the cold, which sometimes can be even worse than the heat, especially in winter. It’s like stepping out from a nice, warm house and into freezing cold, horrible weather. The shock of the temperature change just gets into your muscles and bones, which by the way may already ache with the loss of estrogen. You might be cold for around 20 minutes, sometimes even until your next hot flush. It’s tiring, stressful and just shitty to deal with, in all honesty.

I’ve gone through periods of having several hot flushes every hour, about one every 20 minutes over the winter holiday period. It settled down for a month, and now it’s back but not as bad, a short two minute one maybe one every hour. There’s also the hot flush that follows about a minute after you wake up, which is usually a big one which you should get out of bed for, otherwise you’ll have to change the sheets. There’s another big one that follows any hot drink you have, or a meal. It’s hard on the body, which makes it hard on the mind too.

The sleeplessness is another symptom that I am currently trying to work through. I’ve never had sleeping problems, but now when I wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, I just can’t get back to sleep. I have the usual hot flush while I’m in the bathroom, and then when I get back to bed my brain has woken up fully after that fiery energy, and thoughts just keep whirling around in my head with no respite. It can be three to four hours before I can fall back asleep. I then wake up exhausted each morning, with very low energy levels throughout the day. Sometimes I need a nap after lunch (thank all the gods I work from home) just because I can’t keep my eyes open any longer. These naps are pure heaven, because I am so tired that I just fall into oblivion for an hour. It’s bliss: no thoughts, no dreams, just completely leaving reality for a short time and giving my body and brain a break. And then I wake up, have another hot flash, and get on with my day.

So why not just take HRT, some may ask? Well, I don’t do well with chemical supplements that affect my hormones, and as I had a serious fibroid and ovarian cyst problem, as well as breast cancer running in the family, taking estrogen for me is a definite no go. I’ve found some herbal supplements that have helped with my physical and mental symptoms which have kept me out of a deep, dark hole (Mulier’s Menopause Formula) but I still have to carry on through the majority of the challenge that menopause is throwing at me.

So, I’m tired all the time, usually achy and having sweats throughout the day. My body is going through the ringer. As mind and body are one, this also affects my mental health. I’m a pretty resilient person mentally, but menopause-related depression has been a new experience for me. Thankfully I know how to deal with it when it comes on (herbal teas and getting out of doors) but the fact remains that just getting out of bed some days is a huge deal. There is still the trauma of the surgery that I feel I haven’t fully dealt with (just having to have the surgery all alone in lockdown, when no one was allowed with you inside the hospital was terrifying enough), alongside the new phase of my life as a woman that I am emotionally and spiritually entering.

My religion and spirituality thankfully provide me with a framework for entering different stages in my life as a woman, for which I am eternally grateful. My goddess knows what I am going through. She’s been there, done that, gone through it every solar year, and every lunar cycle. She’s an example of resilience and strength that I can turn to, alongside my sisters on this same path who are/have gone through the same things that I have in my menopausal journey.

As women, we know that we physically, mentally and spiritually have many challenges to face in our lifetimes, for most of us on a monthly basis. And we know that today’s society just expects us to “get on with it”, though thankfully that is starting to change with some trials in the workplace for menopausal women to have a space to retreat to, or days off when it just is too much to bear while working. I can only hope that this shift will extend to all women who, wherever they are in their cycles, can find the time and space to help themselves through it with support and understanding, instead of ignoring the issue and putting on a front that everything is fine because we can’t leave the imaginary competition that patriarchal systems have put into place. When I was in the workplace and having a monthly bleeding cycle, I used up so many “sick days” because I physically couldn’t get into work, either due to pain or flow or usually, both. If I ran out of sick days, then I would have to take unpaid leave, even though in my eyes my condition should have been classed as a short medical leave of absence. And gods forbid I actually get a cold or the flu and not have any sick days left. Even back in high school, I missed days of classes while I lay down in a dark room clutching my belly in the nurse’s office until it was time to go home, and hoping that the hour-long bus ride wouldn’t be too horrific.

It’s been a tough 30 years for me physically and mentally with my monthly cycles, and now the final journey through menopause is one that I am trying to ride with dignity and grace. But some days are just harder than others, some weeks tougher than others, and experiencing all the physical and emotional changes is both interesting and extremely challenging. I feel like I am coming home to myself, after a long and arduous quest. There are still monsters to slay, mountains to climb and my own heroine’s journey to complete, but I feel that even though my body is exhausted and my psyche gone through the ringer, I have enough strength to get me through. At least most of the time I can feel that.

The other times I am fanning myself, wondering when this will all end, face red and tired eyes closed as I ride another wave of experience.

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New album!

So, when the writing just isn’t flowing, I’ve been turning to music. This spring I’ve recorded four songs, of very different styles, dependent on where the mood and muse takes me when I turn to my keyboard.

This album is entitled DEMONS and is available through my Bandcamp page.

The album will be added to throughout the year, with new songs and hopefully videos to go along with some of the material!

I hope you like it.

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Book Review: Soul Shift by Rachel Macy Stafford

Soul Shift: The Weary Human’s Guide to Getting Unstuck and Reclaiming Your Path to Joy is a wonderful book, filled with wisdom and insight. Through the sharing of personal experience, vulnerability and little victories the author leads us on a journey towards finding our most authentic way of being, and how to show up for our lives. Showing up as our authentic self is not an easy thing in today’s world, however, Soul Shift guides us through the journey in small, easy steps and with inspirational mantras that we can use to return home to ourselves.

What struck me first and foremost was when I read “Just because you made mistakes doesn’t mean you are forever defined by them. Just because you took an unauthentic path doesn’t mean that you must stay the course.” So often we feel guilt and shame over our past mistakes, and we continue to beat ourselves up about them. Through the author’s insight, there is the dawning realisation that mistakes will be made, we will at times be unfaithful to our true self, we will make mistakes and choices that don’t accord with our deep self, but that these are learning points and not shameful events that we must punish ourselves over with again and again. What doesn’t work, the choices that we make that aren’t true to our nature and our own will: these can often tell us so much about how we should be in the world. What doesn’t work can be our greatest teacher.

The “Dreamer Girl”, that authentic part of the self that the author shares with us, resonated deeply with me. I have my own Dreamer Girl, a time before I was inundated with the world’s opinions on how I should be, where I should be, what I should be doing. I have been returning to my Dreamer Girl over these last few years, and a feeling of “coming home to myself” has been strong. Our true selves are always with us. My Dreamer Girl has always been there, and it’s through paying attention to ourselves that we can rediscover that part of our being. Take good care of your “Dreamer Girl”, for it is a part of you that can be your guiding light in the world. I know she is mine.

The author also touches upon a subject regarding how women are often pressured to give and give until there’s nothing left. We must be selfless in order to be worthy. But how she phrased it, by showing us that selfless means “less of self” we can begin to understand how this is not a sustainable way of being. We must learn to take care of ourselves, set clear boundaries that are in accord with our authentic selves, and listen to ourselves. “The practice of True Self-Worth is one of the most transformative practices I’ve cultivated on the journey. It has empowered me to make choices by heart, according to my core values and beliefs, rather than by societal standards or the expectations of others.” She talks about not throwing good energy at bad situations, and how to keep toxic elements out of our lives by protecting ourselves with our own inner guardians.

When we are portraying a false or fake image of ourselves, we are unable to make true, authentic connection. When we are being authentic and true, that’s when the real connection happens and you are able to see it spreading out into the wider world. Your own genuine connections will be stronger for it, for people will be connecting to the true you, not the person you are pretending to be on any given day. Those genuine connections are where love sits deeply and comfortably, both in yourself and with others. “Know these acts of acceptance will lead to more significant surrenders that will bring unexpected joy and peace to your life.” The ability to love and be loved is when we are being our most authentic selves.

Kindness creates peace, as the author so beautifully states. She also mentions how growth and healing are fluid processes, rather than being competitive in nature. “I promised right then and there to reserve ‘best ever’ status to recipes, not humans”. I also took away her words that “Someone else’s opinion is not my truth”. Words to live by.  I was also blown by the realisation that other people’s disappointments in me need not shatter my own peace and my own life. I feel that this may be a very powerful way of moving forward in my own life. She states “There’s no peace worth keeping if it requires me to betray myself and what I hold most dear.”  We have to be okay with other people’s disappointments in us. In fact, should this happen to me again, I will be using the quote “I am okay with your disappointment in me,” rather than betray a part of myself through sublimation.

Every day our stories are being written. Every day we have an opportunity to show up in our life. This book is not a book about how to be perfect, but rather how to be a perfectly imperfect human being filled with grace and peace, leaning from the stepping stones of our past in order to walk awake and aware into our future. This moment, right now, is what matters most; not yesterday, not tomorrow, but this present moment. It’s the only moment we can truly show up for, in all honesty.

We can all learn how to “walk differently in the world”. Taking steps that are right for us. Connecting with our deep sense of self, who we are, what we will and will not tolerate, what brings us peace and joy. We can make soul-deep connections that nurture and sustain us, rather than upset or drain us. By listening to our self, by being true to who we are, by coming into our own authenticity we can move forward as sovereign beings that make a real difference to the world, simply by showing up and being free.

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Is Nature Indifferent to Us?

I love this Calvin and Hobbes cartoon, by Bill Watterson. It speaks to me on so many different levels, not least of all as a Mother of Cats. But it’s mostly the first part that I’ll be pondering over in this blog post today.

Is nature indifferent to us? Well, perhaps on the whole, yes. Nature could be indifferent to everything. The entirety of nature is such a vast concept, to me it’s like pondering deity, for in my own religious and spiritual view, nature is deity.

However, in my own personal practice, I feel that the gods are not indifferent to us, so where does that leave me with regards to the above? I’m just not sure. Could it be a paradox, that the deities care and don’t care at the same time? That would make them truly similar to cats…

It’s hard to come to terms with the darker aspects of nature, the pain and suffering that exists. Just yesterday there as a fox in the garden, and it looked like s/he had been hit by a car. One of their back legs wasn’t working, and there was definitely trauma to the back leg and hip. The fox had worried all the fur off of the back leg, hip and tail. It was taking respite from the wind in our garden, sheltered as it is by hedges. It also had a nice long drink from our pond.

After a while I went out to see just how badly it was injured. It couldn’t hear me above the wind, and I didn’t want to startle it so I called softly out to it. It turned its head and then quickly stood up. I gave it a quiet wave and it ran on its three legs back through the hole in the hedge and was gone.

I put some food out for it later that day, and will be doing so each night. I fear that the chances that this fox will survive are pretty slim, but at least it won’t die on an empty stomach.

I meditated that night on the suffering that goes on all around us, every second of every day. That poor fox was in lot of pain, but there was nothing I could do about it. Even had I called the Suffolk Wildlife Trust, chances are that by the time they got here the fox would be long gone anyway. I wondered at how such a thing could happen, could be “allowed” to happen to a beautiful creature as this fox. Tears flowed as I struggled with the suffering of so many lives right now.

People are in the hospital, wars are going on, wild animals are being hit by cars, the oceans and rivers are full of raw sewage and plastic – I could go on and on. It sure seems like the majority of humans today are indifferent to nature, so why shouldn’t nature be indifferent to us?

But nature hasn’t been indifferent to me. I have had wonderful experiences of true connection. I understand how we are all part of this one, great whole. I just wish that others could understand this, in order to save ourselves from our own self-destruction, and the widespread destruction of nature all around us.

But nature is also indifferent. The wind blows whether we like it or not. We have no say in earthquakes, sunshine or rain. Perhaps this is not indifference, but our own inability to see the bigger picture, the whole. 

I am not offended by the seeming indifference nature has for us. Rather, I see it as an opportunity to show nature how much I really care. I aim to live in this world as best I can, with as much sympathy, empathy and compassion as I am able to give. I seek to be a contributing, functioning member of my own local ecosystem, and thereby a part of the wider world too.

Maybe nature really is like a cat. Sometimes it appears indifferent, and other times we can feel the genuine affection that it has for us, if only we are sensitive enough to feel it and open enough to accept it.

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Whispers of the Moon

I’ve been a fan of Enya for over 30 years. I wrote this song for her, filled with the images of water which her music invokes in me whenever I hear it.
I had a 45 minute window to shoot this video, before I lost the light. It was cold, already at 0-C and falling quickly. The clouds cleared a half hour beforehand, and I was so delighted to see the full moon rising from the receding clouds on the eastern horizon over the North Sea. It was pure magic.
Blessings of the Moon to you all. xoxo
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New Video: Spiritual Downtime

It’s okay to take a break 🙂

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I have a new course: An Introduction to Freya

I am offering a new course! An Introduction to Freya: Goddess of Life, Sovereignty and Magic.

For more information, please visit my website at joannavanderhoeven.com.

If you are interested, please email me at vanderhoevenjoanna@gmail.com.

‘Freyja and the Necklace’, 1890. Freya. Illustration from “Teutonic Myths and Legends” by Donald A Mackenzie, 1890.
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The Audiobook is Here!

The new audiobook (the first version didn’t meet the criteria) of The Path of the Hedge Witch is now available on Audible! I am so very pleased with the narration by Coleen Marlo. And the cover even has a cat on it. Purrrfect!

https://smile.amazon.co.uk/Path-Hedgewitch-Simple-Natural-Riding/dp/B0BT36ZS9J
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New Interview!

Last week I was interviewed by Pagan for my new book, the Path of the Hedgewitch. The podcast is now available, so please go on and have a listen, and check out all the other great stuff on there too!

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New Year, New Video!